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joke time again

After years of being a gynecologist, a guy decides he has had enough of it, and wants his life to take a different direction, and a bike mechanic sounds like a fun way to earn a living.
After his training and time at college he is told he has to sit a two part examination where he has to achieve a 100% score.
The first part is to to take an engine to pieces, that's worth 50%-- then reassemble it, which is worth the other 50%

After the examination, the examiner tells him he has scored 150%. The first 50% was for a very thoughtful and methodical disassembly, the second 50% was for a perfect reassembly with everything put back perfectly first time.
The third 50% was for being the only student to ever do it up the exhaust pipe.

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Re: joke time again

...A Heart Surgeon takes his BSA in for repair...He's standing in the workshop watching the mechanic busily repairing his engine.
After a while the mechanic looks up and says...'I don't understand the world...We are both in the repair game, how come I'm only paid £10 pounds an hour yet you are paid £100 pounds an hour?'
The surgeon replied..'Try fixing that bike with the bloody engine running!'...Ian

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A gang of 'cyclers comes into a bar. On one stool is a stout, middle-aged man in a worn overcoat hunching over his beer. The gang leader walks over to him and says to the others "Look at this poor speciman of a man!" and proceeds to pour the man's beer over the man's head. The man quietly gets up and walks out. A minute later, the gang leader turns to the bar tender and says "Not much of a man was he?" The bar tender replys, "Not much of a driver either. He just ran over your motorcycles with his truck."

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Harley and Hoovers
• They have something in common at least, They both Suck. But there is a difference! You only get one dirt bag on a Hoover.

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Don't take the piss out of Harley riders, mate. Truth is, 90% of all Harley Davidsons are still on the road. It's true! The other 10% actually made it home.

Re: joke time again

There was a time when it was perfectly normal to spend alot of time fixing your bike on a long trip. My great uncle bought a Harley in Florida after he got back from WW2. He rode home to Virginia on it. He told everyone he ONLY had to stop to let it cool down ever hour or so and occasionally tune it up. Yet he was in love with the thing. Imagine selling someone a bike today that needed that kind of TLC.

The flip side is today people expect things to never break. When they do they get pretty angry. Not only that but the average motorcyclist has no clue how to change a spark plug. So there is something to be said for the old days when most people could rebuild anything they had in the grass on a weekend.

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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken s pied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his plonker and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

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Great joke Michael! Not having a huge dong I recently bought my first Harley. I haven't pulled any 'chicks' yet..probably because it's 'only' a Sportster.
I've done 1000 miles in the last few weeks and so far I think it's a great bike.
My only criticism to date is that the forks are too soft and the petrol tank is too small for longer trips.
Last week I did a 280 mile round trip to visit my Father and I really had to keep an eye on the fuel.
A set of progresive fork springs and a 2005 petrol tank will sort both those problems.
Harleys aren't well thought of by a lot of people but strangely there are also a lot of very happy owners...Time will tell how good a bike the Sportster is....Ian

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A bloke is sat in a bar having a quiet the corner are a group of drunken bikers. One of the bikers says to his friends...'Watch this'. He walks over to the guy and with a high kick knocks him off the stool.
'That's Karate mate' he says, laughing.
The bloke gets back up on his stool and carries on drinking.
A few minutes later the biker comes over again and punches him in the guts, knocking him off the stool again...'That's Ju Jitsu mate' he says, laughing loudly as he goes back to his mates.
The drinker gets up and walks out of the bar....
A few minutes later he returns, walks up to the biker and knocks him out cold....he turns to the barman and says..'When that twat wakes up tell him that was a shovel from the hardware store'...Ian

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If you dropped a Honda 50 and an Aspencade out of the back of a C130 flying at 10,000 feet, which one would hit the ground first ?...

...Who gives a f*ck ?

Re: joke time again

Here's a couple.....

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

What are the 3 positions of a British headlight toggle switch?
Off, Dim, and Flicker.

How do you know that your BSA is out of oil....... It stops leaking.

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of a canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.

Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of britiron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle.......

Hello! Help! "Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

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Sir Ewok
I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle.......

I'm glad that you like Raleighs. This is my next project.


It has a Reynolds 531 frame and only drips a tiny bit of oil from the epicyclic !

Re: joke time again

Had a few Raleighs before I was old enough to have a motorized bicycle.

A couple more jokes......

• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.


a British lorry driver turns up at the gates of Hamburg docks with a load that needs to be turned round fast. The security guard is a annoyed by the drivers demands to be sent to the front of the queue and makes him wait for several hours before beckoning him forward. To annoy the driver even more, the guard say that he will have to wait a long time, every time he comes there. The driver looks the guard in the eye and says, Last time I was here I was unloaded and turned round in ten minutes. Impossible! cries the guard, what where you driving.....

A Lancaster, replied the driver with a smile on his face.

One more....

An 86 year old Biker went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86 year old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child, so what do you think of that, Doc?"
The Doctor considered his question for a minute and began to tell a story, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting but, in a hurry, he accidentally picked up his cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a large male beaver sitting at the waters edge. He raised his cane to shoot it and realized he'd left his gun at home so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit, aimed at the animal as it was his favorite rifle and said 'Bang' 'Bang'. Miraculously two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead. Now what do you think of that?" asked the Doctor.
The Biker said that "Logic would suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver!"
The Doctor replied "My point exactly".

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i was waiting at a set of traffic lights when a solo motorcycle pulled beside me as he stopped he fell off he picked himself up and carried on when the lights turned green at the next lights i saw he had fell off again picked himself up and rode off there at the third set of lights he off again i pulled up beside him and ask what was wrong he said i dont know it started to happen after i took the sidecar off

a heart surgeon decides to give up his job and find a new profession he decide to become a motorcycle mechanic he compleated a two year course and only has the final test to go the tester tells him he has to score 100% on this test to pass the course 50% for stripping down an engine and 50% for assembling it he does this and the tester say you have scored 150% he say i thought it was 100% the tester said i gave you an extra 50% for doing the whole jub up the exhaust pipe

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