KBGS Old Boys' Forum

A place to discuss Keighley Boys' Grammar School. 


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Yorkshire Humour

Tykes, like the Yiddishers (especially the New Yorkers) love to tell stories against themselves. A recent tale on radio .....
"A Barnsley miner came up on the pools and decided thereafter that only the best was good enough. He had a whippet that was his pride and joy and he wanted a sculpture of it as a perpetual memorial. He took it to a posh Knightsbridge store and, in the goldsmith's department, he was offered the services of a craftsman who would make for him a perfect golden replica.
He was asked, 'Do you want it eighteen carat,sir?'
'Nay lad, gnawing a boan'll do."

My favourite is the one about the Music Teacher from Castleford who had a dog he called Greig " 'cos ivrytime it came in t'ouse it yoused to Peer Gynt Suite."

More, please - there must be some (based on the old Keighley characters) that still live on in the snug.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 52-60

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A young yorkshire lass were 'avin her first date wi' a fella, and di'nt knaw what ter expect. T'only person she trusted were 'er Gran, so off she went ter get 'er Gran's advice.
Well, Katy, first he'll hold thi 'and, then he'll kiss thee, then after a bit he'll put 'is 'and on thi tit, and stroke it. Mebbe he'll then put 'is 'and up thi skirt. Tha'll probably enjoy all that, BUT if he tries to gerron top of thi, tha mun push 'im off, cos that could bring shame on t'family.
Come and tell be abaht it termorrer.

Next day Katy returned to her Grans

'Tha were reight' she sez, 'all that tha said 'appened, and reight nice it wor too, but I remembered what tha' said, and when he tried to gerron top of me, I shoved him off, and brough shame on 'is family instead.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-1964

Current location (optional) Wirral

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A Barnsley lad went to see the Vet
'What can I do for you?' said the Vet.
'Ah want mi cat neutered!',said the man.
'Right!'said the Vet, 'Is it a tom?'
'No, Ah browt it wi'me', said the man.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 45-50

Current location (optional) Keighley

Re: Yorkshire Humour

An old lady was burying her husband and when the undertaker came she said she wanted her husband buried in his best suit and with his best wig on.
However the wig kept slipping off the bald pate. The undertaker said the old lady had no need to worry they had cosmetic wisdoms that would take care of that. The laying out, the viewing and funeral went off splendidly.
The old lady told the undertaker how pleased she was when she were paying the bill and the coop insurance had paid off so could she give the undertaker something for fixing the problem of the week. The undertaker demurred and finally said
' Nay, it wuh nowt of a problim. But go on gi' us a shilling for the nail'

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A lady goes to the taxidermist with her 2 dead monkeys and asks him to perform his magic on them.

'Would you like to 'ave 'em mounted luv?'

"Oh no, just 'oldin 'ands'll be reight'

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Does Yorkshire humour go down well with the Aussies?

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Yes, the Aussies love my jokes (or, true stories as I call 'em), and I have hundreds - many dating back to KBGS days believe it or not. I think it's the way I tell them.

tp

Re: Yorkshire Humour

'You know I saw two women talking Chinese in t'town this morn.'
'Chinese?'
'Aye.'
How dust knaw they wuh Chinese?
'Well, wun sed 'oo wo shee wi?'
t'other sed 'wi er sen.'
fust sed 'wo shi?''

Hong Kong habits

Aye, and when I lived in Hong Kong the Chinese use to walk the streets in the morning dressed in their striped pyjamas! Whatever next. Any other KBGS chaps work in Hong Kong?

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Any other pyjamaed Hong Kong chaps make 5th form and above at KBGS?

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 52-60

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Encouraged by Bernie Johnson's Guest Book entry - another Tyke gag....
This feller knocked on his neighbour's dooer and a woman oppened up.
"Ez yure Fred in?"
T'woman started to roar 'er eyen out.She fled inside reight quick.
He knocked at dooer agean
A young lass came to't dooer.
"Ez yure dad at 'ooam?"
She started rooarin' but managed to squeeze out:
"Mi dad de'ed last neet".
T'feller aksed "Did 'e seh owt about a pot'o'paynt?"

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 52-60

Re: Yorkshire Humour

There was a Chinese chap called Paul Lau who made the sixth form in the sixties. From Singapore originally. Needlessly to say his dad owned a Chinese takeaway in Keighley.

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Two members playing golf at Keighley Golf Club, when one of them looked across towards the cemetery. He removed his cap and stood in silence.His playing partner saw his actions and did likewise. After a few minutes he said " That were quite touching" to which came the reply "Aye, She wer a good wife to me wer that lass!"

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 50 - 55

Current location (optional) Keighley

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.

So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."








Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 50-55

Current location (optional) Keighley

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Two Southern guys were setting up a new shop and had stopped for a break over a cup of tea. There was no stock yet , just a few shelves.
A solitary Yorkshireman passed by, and pressed his face to the window
'What's tha' sellin' 'ere ?, he sez.
'Arseholes' came the reply
'Well thas doin' reight well' he sez ' tha's only got two left !'

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A tourist from Yorkshire had enjoyed a few days in Berlin but, when he was due to leave, had trouble finding the railway station. He stopped a passer-by and said loud and slow "RAIL WAY STAY SHON". The man said "Bahnhof?". The Yorkshireman replied "Aye lad, when Ah can find't railway station."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-65

Current location (optional) leeds

Re: Yorkshire Humour

This Yorkshireman emmigrated to Australia, two days after he arrived he realised that he had taken his best clogs to be re-ironed and had forgotten to pick them up. He waivered between the cost of the clogs and the cost of the repairs and having them posted back to him and decided it was cheaper to leave them there. He never forgot those clogs and it was a continual topic of conversation with his sons. 40 years later, one of the soms returned home, he was walking up Main Street when he saw the Bootmenders where his father had left his clogs. On a whim he went in, behind the counter was a chap he had been to school with, they chatted for a while and then the son brought up the subject of his father's clogs, would they be there by any chance? The chap went into the back room and when he returned, he said, "Aye, they're there, they'll be ready on Thursday."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-61

Current location (optional) Haworth now Blue Mountains in Australia

Re: Yorkshire Humour

I enjoyed that story John. It served to remind me of what happened to me-true story. I left Cross Roads in 1954 for Australia,made my first visit home in 1982. Hurrying through Cross Roads park to catch a bus to Keighley I recognised a local chap, Gordon Daley playing bowls. I called out to him " you haven't improved Daley" his response without missing a beat was " That'll be enough cheek from you Billy Walsh!" That was the only time I saw him on that visit. Cheers.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 47-51

Current location (optional) Auckland NZ

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Another colonial story but this with Lincolnshire origins.... A chap who had emigrated from Lincoln in the late 19th Century returned to visit his family many years later. He decided he would take a trip on one of the new motor buses to the seaside. Unsure as to how to proceed he watched carefully while the conductor collected the fare from the woman in the seat in front.... "Mablethorpe, single.", she asked. "Charlie Harrison, married.", he proffered.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 52-60

Current location (optional) Lincoln

Re: Yorkshire Humour

On a recent visit back to the UK I was talking about the old days in Cowling (Cowineead) My old mates told me about the time a native was taken to see the sea (at Blackpool) for the first time in his 75 years. He looked at the tower and the water for a while, then said 'Is that it? If that's it, tha'd best tek me back to Cowineead then' Perhaps he was inspired by Peggy Lee?

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 52-57

Current location (optional) melbourne

Re: Yorkshire Humour

I thought of a great line the other day but haven't had the opportunity to use it, "She looks like the poor man's Nora Batty". Please feel free to use it if you wish

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-61

Current location (optional) Blue Mountains, Australia via Haworth

Re: Yorkshire Humour

It were 1958 and Bob Hope were on at Batley Variety Club. Two owd fellers were sittin' a't back wi' ther caps on. When't act 'ad finished one sed ter't other "Wot d'yer think on 'im 'erbert?". T'other replied " 'E were alreight ............. if tha wants ter laff."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-65

Current location (optional) leeds

Re: Yorkshire Humour

My wife is a nurse in an aged care facility. She recently came home and told me that there was this old Yorkshire woman who had been admitted who did not seem to have any family, would I be able to pop in and visit her "just for a chat". She was in her 80s and had been in Australia for at least 50 years. I must have spent a couple of hours on that first "chat". The old lady couldn't have spoken to another Tyke in all the time she had been in Australia, as we were talking, the accents started to get thicker and there was almost a contest to see who could come up with the most obscure bit of dialect.

I still drop in and chat to her, it's important to her to hear a friendly voice - and accent, even if the voice is mine.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-61

Current location (optional) Blue Mountains, Australia via Haworth

Re: Yorkshire Humour

This Yorkshireman and his wife were living in London, he walked into his local one night and said, "Tha can all buy me a pint, me wife just 'ad a 20 lb baby boy." He assured them all that 20 lb was normal for a Yorkshire baby and that his was a typical Tyke in training, they all bought him a pint. The following week he came in again, "How's the baby? How much does he weigh now?" They all asked.
"He's champion, he weighs 15 lb now."
"How come he lost so much weight in a week?"
"we had 'im circumcised."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-61

Current location (optional) Blue Mountains, Australia via Haworth

Re: Yorkshire Humour

YORKSHIRE Gods county

God was bored and went missing for six days. The Archangel Gabriel found him resting on the seventh day.
"What have You been up to?" he said.
"I've created the planet Earth and it will be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" said Gabriel.
God explained.
North America would be wealthy and South America would be poor. "Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there a continent of black people."
God talked of different countries.
"That one will be hot and that one will be covered with ice."
Gabriel was impressed and pointed to an area in England and said: "What's that?"
"Ah," said God. "That is Yorkshire, the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful lakes, streams, rivers and hills, great music, architecture, and sporting giants. The people from Yorkshire will be modest, intelligent and witty. They will be sociable, hard working and high achievers. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and peace-makers."
Gabriel gasped in admiration, thought for a moment, and said: "But what about balance, God? You said there will be balance."
"Ah," said God, nodding sagely, "let me tell you about Lancashire..."

With thanks to Bill Walsh

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 52-60

Current location (optional) Lincoln

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Very restrained Terry. The version I have is much longer and more colourfully expressed.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-65

Current location (optional) leeds

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Pity I was born too late to see any of it!

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-65

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Two Chinese gentlemen were stood bemused on Todmorden railway station. A porter asked them what the problem seemed to be.
'This Todmorden?
'Yes it is', shouted the porter, who knew that that was the best way to communicate with foreigners.
' Where are paintings?'
Porter's turn to be bemused.
It turned out that they had taken three trains and travelled for over 6 hours to get there from King's Cross having followed the directions of a ticket collector in London.
Some strained and heated conversation finally revealed that the oriental gentlemen were looking for 'Tate Modern'!!!!

Re: Yorkshire Humour

From the FT

There is a joke doing the rounds in Yorkshire. It recounts how an American visitor to Europe finds a phone in the Sistine Chapel that charges £10,000 ($14,000) per call. The priest tells him that it is a hotline to heaven and offers the chance to talk to God himself.

In every country he visits he discovers the same phone in each church with the same fee until he arrives in Sheffield where the call charge is just 20p. “Why is it so cheap?” he asks the priest. “You’re in Yorkshire now, son. It’s a local call,” he replies.

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Whilst not quite Yorkshire humour, I didn't want to start a new thread and this one is full of gold.

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs and infects hundreds of people sometimes fatally around the globe .

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........

Next year......



2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds.

The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshiremen are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily...
So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game.

The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap,so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500.
The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.


Don't mess with us Yorkshiremen; we only talk different!!!

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1950/1955

Current location (optional) Keighley

Re: Yorkshire Humour

YOU SORT OF KNOW WHATS COMING,BUT STILL RAISES A SMILE !!

Several men are in the locker room of KEIGHLEY Golf Club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £ 2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£190,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £1,950,000 for it.”
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £1,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Don't mess with us Yorkshiremen; we only talk different!!!

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1950/1955

Current location (optional) Keighley

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A Yorkshireman whose wife had died asked the monumental mason for a simple headstone with just his wife's name and dates of birth and death together with the inscription 'Lord she's thine'. A few weeks later he visits the grave and to his horror finds that the mason has missed out the e and the inscription reads 'Lord she's thin'. He goes back to the mason, complains, and the mason promises to fix it. When he next visits the grave, the inscription reads 'E Lord she's thin'.''

Tha can allus tell a Yorkshireman, but you can't tell him much

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-61

Current location (optional) Blue Mountains, Australia via Haworth

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A Yorkshireman is standing proudly surveying his garden when the new vicar walks by and stops to look.
"What a magnificent garden." says the vicar.
"Aye." says the Yorkshireman.
"The Lord has made a fine job of this garden with your help." says the vicar.
" 'Appen," says the Yorkshireman, "but yer shud a sin it when 'e wer dooin it by imsen."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-65

Current location (optional) Leeds

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Thanks for that one, Shaun, it's one me old dad (a died-in-the-wool atheist) was very fond of telling!

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1951-58

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Surely dyed-in-the-wool unless he met a strange end

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Quite right, Chris! A touch of SD, I guess. Makes a thought-provoking image, though. Another bit of (inadvertent) Yorkshire humour.

Re: Yorkshire Humour

It couldn't have been a Tyke who insisted "Shrouds don't have pockets."

Sewerly we'll all try to sneak a bit past the gatekeeper.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1952-60

Current location (optional) Lincoln

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Fred from Silsden goes for a job at the blacksmith's.

Blacksmith: Have you ever shoed an 'oss?
Fred: No, but ah'm always tellin' next door's donkey to bugger off.

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Non-Yorkshire Humour:

What's green and rhymes with horse?
- Grass.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1954-59

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Not quite 'Yorkshire Humour', but I still found it amusing when I heard it in London this week - if only for the fierce local rivalry that true supporters of sports clubs of every discipline hold.

Q: 'What time is it in Newcastle?'
A: 'Five past Sunderland'

Just the same as Keighley RLFC and Northern - a true suporter is either one or the other but never a 'floater'!

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1959 - 1966

Current location (optional) Embsay

Yorkshire Humour

Four old retired guys are walking down a street
in London . They turn a corner and see a sign
that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking,
this is too good to be true. The old bartender
says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men
orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves
up four iced martinis­shaken, not stirred­and
says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a
moment, then at each other. They can't believe
their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with
the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."
They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the
better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1
yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to
serve martinis as good as these for a 10p apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and
I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to
open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer­it's all the
same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they
can't help noticing seven other people at the end
of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of
them and haven't ordered anything the whole time
they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the
end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from
Yorkshire . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price”.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1950-1955

Current location (optional) KEIGHLEY

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Whilst this isn't strictly a Yorkshire joke, nevertheless, I still felt it worth sharing.

A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-61

Re: Yorkshire Humour

If it were not true it wouldn't be funny, Derek! I have heard tell that Yorkies are like the Scots, but without their generosity of spirit!

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A Barnsley feller 'ad just got in from't pit an' was 'avin' a wesh when't little 'un ran in wi' a grin on 'is face like a daft 'un.
"Hey Dad, ah've just saved 20p" 'e said.
"Ow'd yer do that" said 'is dad.
"Ah di'n't get schooil bus 'ome ah ran all't way be'ind it" 'e said.
Dad gi' 'im a clip round't ear and said ' Tha daft beggar. Tha shud a run be'ind a taxi. Tha'd 'ave saved five quid."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-65

Current location (optional) Leeds

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Walter and Albert were having a couple of pints as usual one evening, bemoaning the failings of the younger generation and talking about the "Permissive Society".
"Nay, I doan't know abaht these young 'uns nowadays" says Albert. "When I were young it were different. I mean, I didn't 'ave sex wi't wife afore we were married, or owt like that. 'Ow abaht you Walter?"
"Dunno." says Walter. "What were 'er maiden name?"

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-65

Current location (optional) Leeds

Re: Yorkshire Humour

This chap was standing outside his front door when the dustman came past, "Where's thee bin?" the dustman asked.
"I've bin on holidays" he replied,
"Nay lad, where's thee wheelie bin?"
"All right, then, if you must know, I've bin in prison."

Re: Yorkshire Humour

...and then there was the dyslexic Yorkshireman that wore a cat-flap.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 55-60

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Then there was the dyslexic Yorkshire man who went to a toga party dressed as a goat!

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A photographer up t' street advertised that he could retouch photographs.
So in walks this woman with a picture of 'er departed husband.
I'd like this 'eer photo retouched, and while yer at it remove his 'at. I nivver did like that 'at.
Aye said t'photographer chap. Now just before you go missus I must know which side he parted his hair.
E by gum lad, you must think I am reight daft, you'll find that out when you take his 'at off.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin".
He explodes - fooking 'ell man, you've left the fooking "e" out, you've left the fooking "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out loud -"E, she were thin".

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Re: Yorkshire Humour

An American photographer was in a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '?10,000 per call'. He asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for ?10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Manchester, where at a large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for ?10,000 he could talk to God. He then travelled to Blackburn, Burnley and Rochdale, and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '?10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone. He arrived in Sheffield, and in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was ?10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son ... it's a local call.'

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Very Odd, I posted that last one yesterday ! Why does it say June 6th ???

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Brian
Are you sure that you didn't post it on June 6th. I can remember reading this somewhere within the last month and this forum seems the most likely place for me to see something like this. When you tried to send it yesterday perhaps all that happened was that the icon indicating a new message was activated.
OK?

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1937 -1944

Current location (optional) Huntingdon

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Brian - it was a few weeks ago because I read it then, June 6 sounds right!

David - quite near you for this week, staying in Hemingford Grey.

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Must have been a senile moment Chris !

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Ernest was at the allotment for the day but stopped any passer by to enquire about the state of play in the Roses match.
Albert came along in a reight fluster an' sez "Ah've got some reight bad news for yer, Ah've just seen your owd lass gerrin' down ter it wi't coilman on yer kitchen table."
"Ee, thank God fer that" sez Ernest, "Ah thowt yer wer gunna say Yorkshire 'ad lost."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-65

Current location (optional) Leeds

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Two tales about Haworth one true the other not.
The Scene:Morecambe The time: feast week. A fellow Yorkshireman from Haworth sat at breakfast table looking a bit glum Was he Ok? I asked. He told me he had gone a mystery trip the day before and they took him home to Haworth. What did you do then? I pressed him. "I went home and had a cup of tea."
Haworth Prize Silver Band had won a competition and on the way home their Charabang broke down. They arrived in Haworth in the early hours. Now it was the tradition that if you won a competition the band would march through the streets playing "See the conquering Hero comes". They didn't want to wke everybody up so they took their boots off.
Which one do you think is true?

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Nice one (two?), Arthur. The first one reminded me of a true storu about a couple from Norwich,holidaying in Yarmouth, and took a mystery trip to Norwich !! and spent the time hiding to avoid anyone who knew they'd gone to Yarmouth.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1952-60

Current location (optional) Nirvana

Re: Yorkshire Humour

I can remember reading in "The Dalesman" that the introduction of Pelican crossings led to several accidents or near accidents in Thirsk that stemmed from the similarity in use of 'while' and 'until'. As in "Wait here while I come back" and " Wait here until I come back" and this led to misunderstanding the instruction " Do not cross while the green man is flashing". I can see several old people having near misses with that one.

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A Yorkshire Day joke from the editor (WR Mitchell) of The Dalesman, live on BBC Radio4 Today in a Yorkshire Day segment.

An old Dales farmer lay on his deathbed, deeing. He asked his wife to light him a candle to "lighten my last hour."
"Nay, tha knors price o'candles better than moast."
After some time he put to her the same request. She could see him going and relented.
"All reight, but if tha feels thissen going, blow it out!"

Happy Yorkshire Day

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1952-60

Current location (optional) Nirvana

Re: Yorkshire Humour

John, A Yorkshireman, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his friend Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry lass" John said. "We'll be 'appy to sleep in t'barn, and if t'weather breaks we'll be off in t'mornin"

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf..

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from a law firm. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from a solicitor acting on behalf of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, does tha remember that good-looking widow from t'farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Aye, ah do that," said Keith.

"Did thee, er, happen to gerrup in t'middle o' t'night, go up to 'er house and pay 'er a visit?"

"Er, aye, I did " Keith said,a little embarrassed about being found out.

"And did thee happen to give 'er my name instead of telling 'er tha' name?"

Keith's face turned beetroot red and he said, "Yeah, look, ah'm sorry, mate. I'm afraid ah did. Why do you ask?"

"She just deed and left me everything."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Re: Yorkshire Humour

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the minister came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat.. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know
I haven't had the flu all winter.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Re: Yorkshire Humour

A group of young whizz kids from London were having a few days break in a cottage in the Pennines. The city analyst went out for a spin in his Porsche one afternoon but it spluttered to a halt along a little lane.
He could see a farmer in a field a couple of hundred yards away but, not wanting to appear completely incompetent, he lifted the bonnet and poked around. He became aware that he was being watched, turned round and saw a sheep with its' head over the wall about three feet away staring intently at the engine.
It slowly moved its' gaze towards him and said "Ah reckon yer've brokken a camshaft."
He was amazed and very excited. He ran down the lane to the farmer and said "Are those your sheep in that field?"
"Aye."
"Well one of them can talk. He's just told me what's wrong with my car."
"Wor it yon tup wi't brokken 'orn?"
"Yes it did have a broken horn - but it can TALK. It told me what was wrong with my car."
"Tek no notice. E' naws nowt abaht cars."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-65

Current location (optional) Leeds