Then there was the dyslexic Yorkshire man who went to a toga party dressed as a goat!

A photographer up t' street advertised that he could retouch photographs.
So in walks this woman with a picture of 'er departed husband.
I'd like this 'eer photo retouched, and while yer at it remove his 'at. I nivver did like that 'at.
Aye said t'photographer chap. Now just before you go missus I must know which side he parted his hair.
E by gum lad, you must think I am reight daft, you'll find that out when you take his 'at off.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin".
He explodes - fooking 'ell man, you've left the fooking "e" out, you've left the fooking "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out loud -"E, she were thin".

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

An American photographer was in a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '?10,000 per call'. He asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for ?10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Manchester, where at a large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for ?10,000 he could talk to God. He then travelled to Blackburn, Burnley and Rochdale, and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '?10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone. He arrived in Sheffield, and in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was ?10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son ... it's a local call.'

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Very Odd, I posted that last one yesterday ! Why does it say June 6th ???

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Brian
Are you sure that you didn't post it on June 6th. I can remember reading this somewhere within the last month and this forum seems the most likely place for me to see something like this. When you tried to send it yesterday perhaps all that happened was that the icon indicating a new message was activated.
OK?

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1937 -1944

Current location (optional) Huntingdon

Brian - it was a few weeks ago because I read it then, June 6 sounds right!

David - quite near you for this week, staying in Hemingford Grey.

Must have been a senile moment Chris !

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Ernest was at the allotment for the day but stopped any passer by to enquire about the state of play in the Roses match.
Albert came along in a reight fluster an' sez "Ah've got some reight bad news for yer, Ah've just seen your owd lass gerrin' down ter it wi't coilman on yer kitchen table."
"Ee, thank God fer that" sez Ernest, "Ah thowt yer wer gunna say Yorkshire 'ad lost."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-65

Current location (optional) Leeds

Two tales about Haworth one true the other not.
The Scene:Morecambe The time: feast week. A fellow Yorkshireman from Haworth sat at breakfast table looking a bit glum Was he Ok? I asked. He told me he had gone a mystery trip the day before and they took him home to Haworth. What did you do then? I pressed him. "I went home and had a cup of tea."
Haworth Prize Silver Band had won a competition and on the way home their Charabang broke down. They arrived in Haworth in the early hours. Now it was the tradition that if you won a competition the band would march through the streets playing "See the conquering Hero comes". They didn't want to wke everybody up so they took their boots off.
Which one do you think is true?

Nice one (two?), Arthur. The first one reminded me of a true storu about a couple from Norwich,holidaying in Yarmouth, and took a mystery trip to Norwich !! and spent the time hiding to avoid anyone who knew they'd gone to Yarmouth.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1952-60

Current location (optional) Nirvana

I can remember reading in "The Dalesman" that the introduction of Pelican crossings led to several accidents or near accidents in Thirsk that stemmed from the similarity in use of 'while' and 'until'. As in "Wait here while I come back" and " Wait here until I come back" and this led to misunderstanding the instruction " Do not cross while the green man is flashing". I can see several old people having near misses with that one.

A Yorkshire Day joke from the editor (WR Mitchell) of The Dalesman, live on BBC Radio4 Today in a Yorkshire Day segment.

An old Dales farmer lay on his deathbed, deeing. He asked his wife to light him a candle to "lighten my last hour."
"Nay, tha knors price o'candles better than moast."
After some time he put to her the same request. She could see him going and relented.
"All reight, but if tha feels thissen going, blow it out!"

Happy Yorkshire Day

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1952-60

Current location (optional) Nirvana

John, A Yorkshireman, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his friend Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry lass" John said. "We'll be 'appy to sleep in t'barn, and if t'weather breaks we'll be off in t'mornin"

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf..

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from a law firm. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from a solicitor acting on behalf of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, does tha remember that good-looking widow from t'farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Aye, ah do that," said Keith.

"Did thee, er, happen to gerrup in t'middle o' t'night, go up to 'er house and pay 'er a visit?"

"Er, aye, I did " Keith said,a little embarrassed about being found out.

"And did thee happen to give 'er my name instead of telling 'er tha' name?"

Keith's face turned beetroot red and he said, "Yeah, look, ah'm sorry, mate. I'm afraid ah did. Why do you ask?"

"She just deed and left me everything."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the minister came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat.. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know
I haven't had the flu all winter.

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 58-64

Current location (optional) Wirral

A group of young whizz kids from London were having a few days break in a cottage in the Pennines. The city analyst went out for a spin in his Porsche one afternoon but it spluttered to a halt along a little lane.
He could see a farmer in a field a couple of hundred yards away but, not wanting to appear completely incompetent, he lifted the bonnet and poked around. He became aware that he was being watched, turned round and saw a sheep with its' head over the wall about three feet away staring intently at the engine.
It slowly moved its' gaze towards him and said "Ah reckon yer've brokken a camshaft."
He was amazed and very excited. He ran down the lane to the farmer and said "Are those your sheep in that field?"
"Aye."
"Well one of them can talk. He's just told me what's wrong with my car."
"Wor it yon tup wi't brokken 'orn?"
"Yes it did have a broken horn - but it can TALK. It told me what was wrong with my car."
"Tek no notice. E' naws nowt abaht cars."

Years at KBGS e.g. 1958-1964 (optional) 1958-65

Current location (optional) Leeds