It's In The Bible



There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

http://www.raptureready.com/humor/hb19.html

Quotable Quotes



I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. -- Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. -- Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! -- Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking," and then I thought: What good would that do? -- Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every 12 minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. -- Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. -- H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. -- G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimeter bullet. -- Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. -- Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. -- Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -- Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -- Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. -- Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -- H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

http://www.raptureready.com/humor/hb78.html

My Mother Taught Me



1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7 My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

12. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

http://www.raptureready.com/humor/hb24.html

Be Careful What You Wish For!



A 60 year-old couple were celebrating their 40 years of marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish." The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF! He was 90... The Moral of this story: You had better be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it!

http://www.raptureready.com/humor/hb43.html

True Stories



Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and the contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

http://www.raptureready.com/humor/hb142.html

Funny Signs



Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrists office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a foot doctors office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

http://www.raptureready.com/humor/hb152.html

Daffy-nitions 2



Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife

Subdued sub-dood': like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

http://www.raptureready.com/humor/hb261.html